The Chronicles of Pornia

As a young 6th grader I found myself wondering what all the fuss was about in homeroom. What were all the popular dudes looking at or talking about. Sure. I like to laugh and giggle at The Simpsons, but this is stinking crazy. I walk over closer and hear “Nathan” talking about a girl in our Math class. I had grown up with this girl, and considered her a close friend. I always dreamed of dating her, but alas her beauty far outweighed any of my good features. Since the conversation was about her I really wanted to listen in. In an immature 12 year old boy verbage they spoke about her “big boobies” and what her bra must look like. How disgusting I thought. How could they think of her that way?

Hours later at home I’m watching old episodes of Boy Meets Worldwaiting for dinner still pondering the before mentioned statement about her bra and boobies. After minutes of sheer bewilderment I find myself too wanting to see her lovely assets, but realize that could and or will never happen. What’s a stirred up 11 year old to do? Somewhere between plotting the most ingenious plan a horny 11 year old could concoct and thinking about how great Surgetastes mom rings out with, “Dinner time. Porkchops everyone.” Oh freaking great I think. The OTHER white meat. Again.

Around 8 that evening I wonder off into my parents bedroom to steal some chocolate out of mom’s stash when I spy something I have never seen before. A Playboy magazine. Oh, not just one either, but a stash. I felt like belting out, “I’ve done it. I’ve hit the motherload.” With my arms, fingers, torso, legs, and feet all shaking, cold sweat beginning to drip down my forehead I pick up September 1996 with Pamela Anderson cupping her breasts. Immediately I begin to feel like an argument is about to ensue in my head about whether this wrong or right. The demon tells me it’s alright and it’s not gonna hurt anything. However, the angel seems to be stuck in traffic and won’t be arriving any time soon. I pick up and flip through the pages of things I had never seen before. Naked women. My eyes scream for more and more as my visual senses yell with excitement.

As I fall back into reality I decide to take a Playboy from the middle of the stack so as to not be noticed. I thought, “Is Dad really going to come back in here looking for January 1996?” I roll up the magazine like a newspaper, make sure my parents aren’t watching, and dart for my room like a gazelle. This became a pattern that continued for nearly 8 months. I succesfully took Playboy after Playboy from my parent’s bedroom with no notable notice until one fateful night Dad caught me in bed with Miss March 1996. Oh what would the neighbors say?!? The following night we had the ever embarrasing “birds and the bees” talk where father explained to me things that turned my hypothalumus inside out. Foolishly Dad left the stack alone. After weeks of stalking and prowling I returned to rent out the mags like a library. Once again I was caught when my sister (Autistic) found an interesting magazine in my desk and wanted mom to read it to her. Dad insued by taking the whole stash outside and burning every one of them. After Dad had burned all of the beautiful women to ash I ran outside trying to salvage any pages that were left unsinged.

Since the beautiful women were gone I found nothing to visually stimulate me until I started taking notice of the girls in my class. Before the porn, if I looked at a girl’s chest it was to read the writing on her shirt, now I can’t do math in class for all of the nubile breasts hidden behind Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts. What kind of guy was I becoming. Typical I guess. Girls took notice when I would look down their shirts. Heck even some left their shirts a little open for me to sneak a peek.

Fast forward to my 8th grade year circa 1998. We lived on a small farm and could only pick up local channels from nearby Kansas City. Finally, Dad decided to order DIRECTV. Whoever thought someone could love a 12 inch dish so much? I remember seeing MTV, VH1, and ESPN all for the first time in my life and wondered what else had I been missing. Oh yeah, C-SPAN. One day as my parents were out shopping for groceries I decided to see what other channels we had and found all the movies we could order. As I arrived on channel 171 I saw the title and immediately realized that I had found a porno. But, wait a minute, this is pay per view. You’re not supposed to be able to watch unless you PAY FOR IT? Right? Maybe this was my lucky day, and I get a porno for free! However, after the first 5 minutes of the movie the screen went black and said, “You’re free preview is over. In order to continue watching hit the blah blah button…”

“So if I’ve got this right I can watch a freaking porno for free. Heck 5 minutes is enough” I thought immediately afterward. I watched 5 minute porn after endless 5 minute porn and got my fix like a ciggarrette addict reunited with their Marlboros. This was much better then the magazines. I had real action in front of my eyes this time.

Dateline: December 1999. As people are buyimg mass bulks of canned goods and bottled water for the Y2K scare I was busy downloading into my psyche all the topless moaning college co-eds I could find. In reality I was depressed. Clinically depressed. One day during music class I broke down crying thinking about how I would soon be spending time in a treatment center. I laid awake in bed at night thinking of the next way to try to take my life. I thought somehow Satanic worship would make me feel stronger, but coindentally led me deeper into depression. But, when I had my five minutes of porn everything was alright. The hole in my heart was getting deeper by the day and nothing could fill it. Not even the porn.

On a Friday morning mom and dad decide to visit the local outlet mall to finish some Christmas shopping, I however assume responsibilities of watching the chic with the double d’s perform “tricks” while giving a massage. After my five minutes are up I flip back and forth between MTV and ESPN. At the top of the hour I watch another porn and go back to channel surfing. After 4 hours of this mindless game I turn the tv back to HGTV so mom and dad won’t suspect anything, turn off the television, go in my room and play some Mario 3 on the NES. Around 8 that evening Dad calls me into his and mom’s bedroom. Holding the vcr remote in his hands he presses play and asks if I know anything about this. He then plays everything and I mean everything I had watched that day. Little to my knowledge Dad was recording HGTV before they left and I stupidly gave him evidence of my escapades into porno land. He proceeded to put channel locks on all 4 or 5 of the porn channels. Only months later would I find a way to walk around the locks and continue back into the porn.

As a sophomore my addiction to porn grew as well as my depression. Most nights were spent alone listening to Korn or Slipknot writing over and over again on my walls, “I wish I was dead. Someone please kill me. Someone please kill me.” The more and more I watched porn the more the girls around me weren’t friends but became objects of lust. Girls that I had played on the jungle gym with back in 3rd grade became nothing more then the next girl I was undressing with my eyes. Girls I had burping contests with on the swings were now soul less, heartless, bodies with breasts and thin waists that I wanted with a burning passion.

Sadly during this time I had been attending church with my friend. I did such a great job of wearing the “Christian” mask and looking fine to everyone, however the wear and tear of porn was driving me insane, not to mention my depression was driving me to the point of tears every night before bed. I referred to myself as a Christian, but knew nothing of the sort of what it meant to be and act like one. After youth on Wednesday nights I remember thinking about the cute singer that I wanted to “bang brainless”.

However, on April 11th 2001 my friend Bethany invited me to her church to hear an evangelist. I told her yes but my sole intention was to ask her out after church. As the speaker went on he talked about the horrible life he had been through with drugs, alcohol, and endless women but nothing helped. It caught my attention, but only for a moment. Finally, he gave an alter call and loads of teens came running forward to give their lives to Christ. As they went forward to pray I remember thinking, “Haha, what a bunch of helpless sinners.” Finally, he was nearing the end and I thought it would soon be my chance to get a date for Friday night. Yet, he asked the question I had never thought about, “Do you know with 100% assurance that if you were to die tonight that you would go to Heaven? If you don’t then know for sure. If you were to die in a car accident after leaving this church do you know with full confidence that you would go to Heaven?”

I pondered on that statement and said to myself, “Well it’s not like I’ve killed anyone before. So, I guess I should go to Heaven.” As the question lingered heavier and heavier in my heart I realized I didn’t know for sure and was the last one to run up to the stage. Full of tears I prayed to receive Christ and made him my Lord and Savior. I went home a changed man and slowly but surely began to start this new life. I immediately got rid of all of my rock cd’s, and only listened to country and Christian music. Soon I stopped listening to country too. In a few shorts months I stopped swearing and using God’s name in vain. Everything about my demeanor changed. People could instantly tell that I was happier, more alive, had purpose and drive, and wanted to live for God. Heck even porn wasn’t a problem.

After I came off my spiritual high reality hit me square in the face. I started having arguments with my parents, my gf broke up with me, and I really needed a job but had no luck. On a Thursday night alone I found myself watching The Brak Show feeling lousy and alone and needed something to pick me up. Somewhere deep submerged in my subconscience I remembered how porn “made” me feel better on a bad day. I flipped over stupidly to 171 and began to get intrenched in porn once again. How much of a hypocrite was I. Here I am faithful little Christian attending church regurarly, leading Bible studies at school, witnessing, praying for people, reading my Bible, but secretely behind closed doors become slowly enslaved to porn once again.

After months of dealing with the struggle I became so overwhelmed with the guilt of being so fake I ran into my room and told God never again. I was starting to pick up the old tendency of undressing every cute girl that came my way. When I committed my life to God it was all or none of me. He has my heart, and now he has my eyes. Forever.

My committment lasted until the summer of 03 when I finally got a computer, and with that, the internet. I was cyber smart to stay away from porn sites or anything of the like, yet when cute girls I never met before wanted to send me naked pics of theirself via AOL instant messenger I couldn’t resist. You may wonder how could a self proclaimed christian keep going back to porn. Its simple. Porn can have that much control over someone. Enough control to bring them to their very knees in sheer shame but continually giving in.

I fought with interenet sites off and on until the summer of 04. On June 17th, 2004 I finally, yes finally, stopped feeding my mind, heart, and eyes with the garbage and made a committment that the next woman I saw naked would be my future wife. However long down the road that may be. Now as its May 23rd I rejoice knowing that I have been nearly 4 years removed from any purposeful viewing of any woman naked. Praise God for the strength he gave me to overcome this addiction that tore me and so many other men and women apart.

The only strength to overcome this addiction is by the power of Christ. Every thing I tried before God utterly failed me and left me emptier then before. Porn did so much damage to my mind that I still can remember Playboy centerfolds, covers, and where the porn channels are located. It is true, it takes 20 years to forget an image you saw for 20 seconds. Slowly, Christ has helped erase my mind of those things that nearly destroyed me. In the 1970′s we discovered that the viewing of pornography can actually permanentally alter your brain. Each time you view porn your mind is restructured through porno’s erototoxins. Erototoxins are a tye of brain poisoning.

Dr. Judith Reisman explains, “Thanks to the latest advancements in brain surgey we now know that pornographic images imprint and alter the brain, triggering an instant, involuntary, but lasting biochemical memory trail. Once new neuro-chemical pathways are established they are difficult or impossible to delete. Pornographic images also cause secretion of the body’s fight or flight sex hormones. This triggers excitatory transmitters and produces non-rational, involuntary reactions; intense arousal states that overlap sexual lust- now with fear, shame, and or hostility and violence. How does this brain sabotage occur? Brain scientists tell us that in 3/10 of a second a visual image passes from the eye through the brain, and whether or not one wants to, the brain is structually changed and memories are created. We literally grow new brain with each visual experience.”

Sadly, this 57 billion dollar industry which grosses more annually the combined revenues of the NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB combined, has affected us all in some manner shape or form. By 1999 one in 5 children between the ages of 10 – 17 received a sexual solicitation over the internet. Family safe media reports that 80% of 15-17 year olds have had multiple hard core porn exposures. The largest comsumers of Internet pornography are kids in the 12- 17 age groups. Guys if you’re between 12 and 17 realize you are porn’s target group. They know if they can get you addicted now, they will probably have you adddicted for life. We are fed this stuff as harmless entertainment, however a 2004 RAND corporation study found that “teens who watch a lot of such sexualized programming are twice as likely to engage in sexual intercourse themselves”.

Porn is for posers, those who think they are enjoying all that life has to give because their are receiving sexual gratification from someone other then their spouse. Men stand up and value women as more then just mere objects but as beautiful ladies. Instead of undressing the woman or women around you, imagine what she might look like in a wedding dress. Ladies, don’t think you have to stoop to the lows of porn in order to get a guy, keep the one you have happy, or achieve some sexual nirvana. Value your body as it is, made in the image of God, and know that a REAL man will give you the love and honor due to you.